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#1 1/26/2011 9:09 am

Gottfried B. Oner
Member
Registered: 10/8/2010
Posts: 57

The Time-Traveling Racist

A friend of mine died recently of abdominal cancer, his name was Clive Johnson. In his honor I decided to post this story he told me. Anyways, this happened in 1968 when he was thirty years old. I am only posting part of it, and I will post the rest some other time.

Clive Johnson was on a mission. How he was to accomplish it he didn’t know for sure, but he needed to figure out how to get rid of all of them, the niggers, the spics, the Jews, the chinks, and all the other races besides intelligent, normal, Caucasians. But right now, he would relax, get drunk, and hope an idea came to him. Clive was waiting for his beer at The Yes Hub, the local bar, but the waiter was taking too long. Clive wasn’t surprised though, the waiter was black, and so he expected something to go wrong. While he was waiting a short, pale man wearing a white lab coat and huge glasses sat down next to him, the man appeared to be extremely excited for no reason in particular, but besides that he seemed pretty normal to Clive, and luckily, he was white.

“These waiters sure are taking a while, I ordered a scotch half an hour ago,” exclaimed the man. “But it doesn’t matter, today is an incredible day for mankind, and more importantly, for my reputation.”

“Oh really,” sneered Clive, “what’s so great about today?”

“Well sir, what if I told you I invented a device that could travel through time?”

“Then I’d say you’re full of s**t,” retorted Clive.

“No I’m not, however, the machine does use s**t as fuel. After all those years, my colleagues criticized me for specializing in excrement studies despite being a physicist, but who’s laughing now! ‘Leonard, you’re a moron who will never accomplish anything,’ or ‘you’re just a pathetic virgin who has no friends, Leonard.’ No more says I! Anyways, I do believe I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Leonard Emmanuel Rection, and I need you for something very important. If you come with me, I’ll let you take it for a spin, with my supervision of course. How does that sound?”

Clive was intrigued, if this Leonard fellow was telling the truth, he could probably figure out how to use this machine to his advantage.

“Ok, what do I need to do?”

“You’ll just need to take a rather large dump in the fuel chamber; I’m constipated and hence, can’t do it myself. Oh and one more thing, do NOT try to change any event in the past. We are merely taking it for a test spin, nah I’m just kidding do whatever the hell you want.”

Leonard and Clive left the bar and took a taxi without their drinks, they were about to be the first time-travelers in history.

“Well sir,” said Leonard, “my apartment is about forty-five minutes away, tell me a little bit about yourself, I didn’t even get your name!”

“Oh right, the name’s Clive.”

“Awesome, so Clive, are you married, got any kids?”

“No, my girlfriend and I broke up a week ago.”

“Ah, well that’s terrible, but you should be grateful, I’ve never even talked to a girl! Just kidding, I live with my mom, so obviously we talk pretty often. What are your parents like Clive?”

“I never got to know them; they were murdered when I was two years old.”

“Yeah, I know what that’s like. A man robbed our house when I was five, he tied me and my mother up and forced me to watch him kill my father and rape my mother. Then he painted the walls with his poop and left us there for three days before the cops found us. I had to lick some of it off the wall next to me to survive. But despite all that I grew up to be a normal person.”
There was a moment of silence as Clive thought about what he had heard.

“What color was the man?” Clive replied angrily.

“Hmm, I think he was a Hispanic of some sort. Why does it matter?”

“Because Leonard, only a non-Caucasian prick would do something that horrible to a child!”

“Wow, I didn’t make you out for the racist type. Let me guess, those parents of yours were killed by some ‘non-Caucasians’?”

“An Indian, an African, a Chinese man, a Native American, a Jew, and a Mexican all teamed together and killed my parents. I know this because my adopted mother told me when I was ten.”

“Whatever, it appears we’re here now so I won’t even bother arguing with you.”

Clive and Leonard entered the apartment. To their left was the kitchen, Leonard’s bedroom and office was ahead, and to their right was Leonard’s mom’s bedroom. “Hello there!” greeted Leonard’s mom. I see Leonard has a new friend, he doesn’t have many friends. “Mom, you’re embarrassing me” said Leonard jokingly. “Would you boys like some Bagel Bites?”

“No mother, we have serious business to attend to.” And then he went to his bedroom/office to show Clive the time machine. The time machine stood in the middle of the room and was surrounded by deserted potato chip bags, porn magazines and empty soda cans. There were also seven cats in the room, and when Clive turned to his left he noticed a shelf full of different types of crap. One was labeled Felis catus feces, another was Ceratotherium simum feces, along the end of the row was one labeled Tyrannosaurus Rex coprolite.

Clive was starting to get seriously worried; everything about this guy reeked of Melvin jew.

“Alright Clive, here’s the fuel chamber, I’ll leave you alone for a minute.”

When Leonard left the room, Clive went over to a toilet-like object attached to the time machine. He sat down on it. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t make anything come out; but at least he wasn’t in a rush, or so he thought. The doorbell rang, “I’ll go get it!” yelled Leonard. He looked through a peep-hole in the door. Suddenly Clive heard Leonard scream, “YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU GOTTA TAKE THAT SHIT QUICK, THEY’RE ON TO US!!!”

To be continued.

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#2 1/26/2011 2:32 pm

Shrub
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From: Minneapolis, Minnesota
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Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Well I for one, am at the edge of my seat.


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#3 1/26/2011 4:54 pm

Slicknife
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Registered: 7/10/2010
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Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

hey this could be a really good book

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#4 1/26/2011 6:13 pm

Kai
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From: .red: 12/17/2010
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Posts: 3812
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Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Slicknife wrote:

hey this could be a really good book

You gotta be kidding me.


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#5 1/26/2011 6:55 pm

VinnieofSiftheads
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From: Thunder Bay,Canada,Earth :,
Registered: 10/28/2010
Posts: 892
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Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Kai wrote:

You gotta be kidding me.


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#6 1/28/2011 12:01 am

Gottfried B. Oner
Member
Registered: 10/8/2010
Posts: 57

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Here's the next part.

The sheer amount of fear in Clive’s heart immediately caused him to diarrhea. Leonard ran into the room, “PULL YOUR PANTS UP DAMNIT, I’LL GET THE MACHINE STARTED”. After that Leonard promptly pushed a button and the hatch of the time machine opened. Once Clive got his pants up, they jumped into it. They heard whoever was outside trying to bust in the apartment. “Ok, let’s see here,” Leonard nervously muttered, “I’ll just send us back twenty-five years or something.” He then pressed some switches and then there was a flash of light.

Clive and Leonard ended up in a green, open field.

“What the hell was THAT?!” Clive yelled. “Who are ‘they’ and why did we have to run away from them.”

“Well Clive, I didn’t quite invent the time machine. In a sense, you could say I stole it, from a group of very powerful people.”

“Who”

“Doesn’t matter right now, we are in 1943 and we need to figure out where we are.”

“Alright, but one question, and this is far too important to just pass over.”

“Ok, shoot”

“Are you a Jew?”

“That isn’t important at all, but yes I am Jewish, why?”

“Just wondering”

“Ok, I suppose we should be on our way then.”

After Clive and Leonard got out of the time machine they walked across the field a while until they saw a large city. They decided to head on over to it and maybe they would be able to tell where they were. Once they arrived there, it seemed just like any normal city with crowded streets and it smelled of sewers and pigeon crap. There was one peculiar thing about it though which gave away its location; there were several posters in German on the buildings, half of which had pictures of Hitler or swastikas.
Clive could see an opportunity immediately; he was traveling with a dirty, greedy Jew in the home country of the Nazis.

Leonard whispered, “This place gives me déjà vu, I escaped here about twenty-seven years ago, well, technically two years ago. I probably just got into Princeton a couple of weeks ago and am crying because my colleagues have better lives then me. But I least I didn’t get gassed in a concentration camp or something. That’s possibly the worst death I can think of, and I sure as hell hope it doesn’t happen now.”
Clive could barely hear him. He was too amazed with his surroundings. He was in one of the greatest times in history, when six million pathetic Jews were mercilessly killed in horrifically painful ways. It was time for Leonard to pay for his sins. In the distance, Clive could see two gay homeless men having anal sex near a dumpster in a deserted alleyway. He knew these had to be Gestapo officers in disguise.

“Wait here Leonard.”

Leonard nodded.

He walked over to the dumpster, “Hello officers.” They immediately pulled up their pants and one of them said, “Please please please don’t tell anyone!” “Oh I won’t,” replied Clive, “if you two can ‘take care’ of that Jew over there” as he pointed to Leonard. “Getting rid of those two Chinese guys would b great too.”

“Well sir, we can get rid of the Jew, but Asians aren’t really what we’re after.”

“So I can simply report to der Fuhrer that you were fucking each other next to a trash bin?”

“Ok ok, we’ll send the Chinese people off with the Jewish guy.”

The officers walked over to Leonard. He finally realized what was happening then they pulled out some handcuffs. He tried to run away but they grabbed him and threw him to the ground.

“CLIVE, HELP ME!!!!! WHY DID YOU DO THIS!?!??!! PLEASE HELP!!!!”

Once they threw him in a van, they wrestled the two Asian men down as well and threw them in with Leonard. The van drove off to a concentration camp, with Leonard sobbing, screaming and cursing Clive Johnson all the way there.

To be continued.

Last edited by Gottfried B. Oner (1/31/2011 10:11 pm)

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#7 1/28/2011 12:35 am

Kai
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From: .red: 12/17/2010
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Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Kai wrote:

You gotta be kidding me.


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#8 1/28/2011 4:26 pm

Shrub
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From: Minneapolis, Minnesota
Registered: 5/14/2009
Posts: 9155

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Bravo! Bravo!


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#9 1/28/2011 7:03 pm

Slicknife
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Registered: 7/10/2010
Posts: 6608

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

lol this is actually fun to read

Last edited by Slicknife (1/28/2011 7:04 pm)

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#10 1/31/2011 7:54 am

Gottfried B. Oner
Member
Registered: 10/8/2010
Posts: 57

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

I just want to mention that I have worked on the next part and it will be in tommorrow.

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#11 1/31/2011 7:02 pm

Shrub
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From: Minneapolis, Minnesota
Registered: 5/14/2009
Posts: 9155

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

I thought it was over.


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#12 1/31/2011 10:11 pm

Gottfried B. Oner
Member
Registered: 10/8/2010
Posts: 57

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Really? You thought THAT was the end. I guess I'll just remember to say "to be continued" for the next few ones. That ending wouldn't explain shit. There would be tons of unanswered questions.

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#13 1/31/2011 11:31 pm

Slicknife
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Registered: 7/10/2010
Posts: 6608

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Theres a part I am confused about...When Clive and Leonard went back in time, why were they confused about the location?  Since the time machine only modifies the time, their initial location would have been the same.  So is it safe to say that the beginning of this story where Clive and Leonard meet takes place in Germany?

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#14 1/31/2011 11:49 pm

Gottfried B. Oner
Member
Registered: 10/8/2010
Posts: 57

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

To be blunt, I didn't think that through too hard and I should have mentioned where they were at the beginning. I'll just explain it now. At the beginning of the story, they were in America. Since time and space are actually one and the same (spacetime) it would make sense for you to travel through space while traveling through time. I'll try to fix various problems like this in the next parts.

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#15 2/1/2011 12:05 am

Slicknife
Member
Registered: 7/10/2010
Posts: 6608

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Gottfried B. Oner wrote:

To be blunt, I didn't think that through too hard and I should have mentioned where they were at the beginning. I'll just explain it now. At the beginning of the story, they were in America. Since time and space are actually one and the same (spacetime) it would make sense for you to travel through space while traveling through time. I'll try to fix various problems like this in the next parts.

Oh, that makes sense I guess.

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#16 2/1/2011 12:43 am

Ninjamongoose
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From: Garbanzo land
Registered: 7/14/2010
Posts: 2583
Website

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Gottfried B. Oner wrote:

To be blunt, I didn't think that through too hard and I should have mentioned where they were at the beginning. I'll just explain it now. At the beginning of the story, they were in America. Since time and space are actually one and the same (spacetime) it would make sense for you to travel through space while traveling through time. I'll try to fix various problems like this in the next parts.

how would travel through space even work -_-. I could whine about the calculations and thigns like that, but not bored enough.


*Farting*

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#17 2/1/2011 12:50 am

Gottfried B. Oner
Member
Registered: 10/8/2010
Posts: 57

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

What's wrong with the ideal of it traveling through space (I mean space btw, as in an area or volume, not literally space as in "outer space"). Hence, cars, rockets, planes, boats all travel through space.

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#18 2/1/2011 1:02 am

Ninjamongoose
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From: Garbanzo land
Registered: 7/14/2010
Posts: 2583
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Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

how does one travel backward in space, if backward is also forward


*Farting*

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#19 2/1/2011 1:06 am

Gottfried B. Oner
Member
Registered: 10/8/2010
Posts: 57

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

I see your point. I'm not gonna bother answering that though, sorry.

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#20 2/1/2011 4:16 am

Kai
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From: .red: 12/17/2010
Registered: 12/17/2010
Posts: 3812
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Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Ninjamongoose wrote:

how does one travel backward in space, if backward is also forward

Oh touche


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#21 6/21/2011 7:43 am

Walrus King
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From: Tennessee
Registered: 12/2/2009
Posts: 4570

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

I worked on this next part shortly after finishing the second part, but I forgot about it and got back to it today. Since it's been so long, it might help to read the other parts again, or at least the last bit of the second part. Here it is.

Later that day, Clive went to a motel. He didn’t have any cash on him, especially not German Marks, so he decided to spend the night in an abandoned wine cellar in the building. While he was here, he decided to plan out what he would do next. With Leonard out of the way and a Time Machine out where he thought nobody would find it, there were so many possibilities. He just couldn’t figure anything out. It reminded him of the bar, there was plenty of alcohol, and once again he couldn’t figure out what the hell to do. Clive had always hated basically every race besides whites, but yesterday his adopted mother was murdered by a black man. He then realized that it was his duty to rid the earth of these scumbags. The next day he went to a bar with no idea what to do, and then he found a man with a time machine. It seemed Fate wanted Clive to destroy all those disgusting races. Once he realized this, Clive was filled with renewed confidence, and he finally knew what to do. Tonight, he would need to rest well, tomorrow was going to be a big day.

The next morning Clive was extremely excited. He was about to meet one of his idols, the great Adolf Hitler. When Clive was a child, his mother made him memorize the locations of the homes of great men in history, hence he knew that Hitler’s house wasn’t far away. Clive had no trouble finding Hitler’s home, in no time at all he was there. He went up to the door and knocked. After about half a minute a slightly pale woman with brown hair opened the door.

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!” yelled Clive. “No wonder it took so damn long to answer the door, you women are almost as bad as… ugh, never mind, is Adolf here?”

“Not with that attitude he isn’t, mister” she replied.

“I am so sorry for this sir, come in, come in” a voice shouted. “My wife can be quite a bitch sometimes, these women sometimes don’t play their place, and they assume they are worth more to society then sex and making sandwiches”.

“I couldn’t agree more Adolf” Clive shouted back as he pushed Hitler’s wife to the side.

“So, what is your name?” Hitler inquired.

“Clive, Clive Johnson, and I’m here to discuss something very important.”

“Wonderful, come up to my office.”
Once they got up there, Clive decided to get right to the point.

“Adolf, what I’m about to say it going to be fairly hard to believe, but you have to trust me.”

“Ok, continue.”

“I am from the year 1968; I used a time machine to get here.”

“You actually expect me to believe that bullshit?”

“I said it’d be hard to believe, dumbass. So no, I didn’t expect you to believe it. However, I can show you the time machine.”

“No, that won’t be necessary, just continue talking and I’ll judge if it’s important enough to check out the time machine myself.”

“Well Adolf, this war is gonna be over in only two years, you’re going to kill yourself and the jews will continue to live. But I have a plan to stop this from happening. I will go into the future and bring back unimaginably powerful weapons.”

“Hmm, well, if there is any truth to what you are saying, then why are you telling me?”

“I want to help you win this war Adolf. I also need your help.”

“What do you need my help with?”

“There is a man named Leonard E. Rection at one of your camps. I need to talk to him”

“Ah yes, I remember him actually. He was perhaps the most twisted Jew I have ever encountered. We couldn’t break his spirit at the first concentration camp we sent him to. He ate the shit that was all over the cells and showers. He would collect it together and make woman shaped models that he’d have sexual intercourse with. He would even talk to the shit. This seemed to make him happy enough to resist the torture we subjected him to everyday. Anyways, because of that we sent him to Auschwitz and cleaned his cell out. That’s where you’ll find him. I’ll send you there as a visitor so you can take care of your business with him. After that I want you to show me the time machine, if you don’t then I’ll send you to Auschwitz again, and not as a visitor.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Adolf Hitler and Clive Johnson said their farewells and Clive headed out to a truck that was waiting for him with its back door open. As soon as Clive got in the truck the driver stomped on the gas pedal. They had a long way to go and he didn’t want to waste any time. Eventually, Clive fell asleep and dreamed.

Clive is walking down a long, white, narrow hall. There are various portraits of men he can’t quite recognize, although they might be past presidents of the United States. There are also USA flags on the right side of the wall and what are probably the flags of each of the states on the left side of the wall. Clive couldn’t be sure about the flags or portraits because he never went to school. His adopted mother kept him at home. The public schools were full of non-Caucasians. The private schools were too expensive even though they only had white people (Clive knew this was because the other races were far too stupid and savage to get into such schools). He was slowly approaching two wooden doors with brass handles. Clive felt that something terrible was behind these doors. He cautiously opened them. He recognized the room immediately. It was just like in the movies, the president’s private office. But there was something severely wrong. Sitting in the chair behind the desk was a man who appeared to be in his late 30’s, with an oval shaped face and clean-shaven hair. But the most obvious terrifying feature, he was BLACK!!!

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE PRESIDENT YOU BASTARD?!?!?!??!”

The sick man manically laughed.

“Ohhhhhh Clive,” he snickered, “I AM THE PRESIDENT!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOW?!??!?”

“This is your future, Johnson. A black man is president, Mexicans are stealing jobs from your fellow Americans, Asians are even stereotypically considered to be smart and educated.”

“No, this is just a stupid nightmare. Gooks that are intelligent? Beaners with respectable jobs? Niggers for president? Our society is far too advanced for that. Scientists in the future must have finally shown that non-Caucasians are inherently stupider then Caucasians. I’m confident it’s in their genes or something. Hell, if you’re from a year above 2000 then I bet scientists even found a way to eradicate all those awful pests!”

“No Clive, In fact, come over to this window, behind my seat, observe.”
Clive walked over to the window to see what it was. He couldn’t believe his eyes. There was a crowd of thousands of people of various races, none of which were white.

“They’re down there to listen to a speech I’m about to give. A speech congratulating the scientists who discovered that white people were genetically stupider then the other races, and who then terminated all of them.”

Clive immediately turned around and whipped out a pistol, “I’LL KILL YOU GODDAMNIT, YOU STUPID GODDAMN
MOTHERFUCKING SPEARCHUCKING MONKEY ASSHOLE I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU!!!”

But before he could the President pushed him out of the window.

Clive woke up. Even though that horrific future seemed so unrealistic, the nightmare gave him new motivation to make sure
Hitler won this war.

“Well,” said the truck driver, “we’re almost there. I’m going to bring you to the front of the gate rather than going in there. I’ve been in that place once; I never want to see it again. I don’t know if anybody deserves the things that are happening to those people.”

“I’ll be the judge of that,” sneered Clive.

“Ok, we’re at the front gate. You simply tell them who you are and then go find your friend. He will be in the experimentation room. The least I can say is that I don’t think he’ll look quite the same as when you last saw him.”

To be continued.

Last edited by Walrus King (6/21/2011 7:45 am)


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#22 6/21/2011 8:30 am

Shrub
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From: Minneapolis, Minnesota
Registered: 5/14/2009
Posts: 9155

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

I actually like this series.


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#23 6/21/2011 10:08 am

Madnex
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From: Athens, Greece .
Registered: 5/16/2011
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Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

~Haha this is fun and light, i read all of them at once! xD


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#24 6/21/2011 11:13 am

Slicknife
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Registered: 7/10/2010
Posts: 6608

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

(Y)

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#25 6/21/2011 3:31 pm

Reaganrocks
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Registered: 12/23/2010
Posts: 3863

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Yeah this is some pretty good shit.


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