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#26 6/23/2011 6:51 am

Leonard E. Rection
Banned
Registered: 10/10/2010
Posts: 12

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

I just want to say that this story beautifully captures that part of my life and I think it will speak to so many other people. I cried, I laughed, I shouted in joy, I even lost 10 pounds. This will truly be a classic.

Keep the good work up Gottfried!

Last edited by Leonard E. Rection (6/23/2011 6:52 am)

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#27 6/23/2011 11:31 am

Slicknife
Member
Registered: 7/10/2010
Posts: 6608

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

-____-

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#28 6/23/2011 11:49 am

CViper
Member
From: Salford, Greater Manchester
Registered: 8/8/2009
Posts: 8039

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Slicknife wrote:

-____-

tl;dr


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Be Alert! Britain Needs Lerts!!

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#29 6/23/2011 3:57 pm

Reaganrocks
Member
Registered: 12/23/2010
Posts: 3863

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

CViper wrote:

Slicknife wrote:

-____-

tl;dr


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#30 6/26/2011 8:20 am

Gottfried B. Oner
Member
Registered: 10/8/2010
Posts: 57

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Thanks Leonard smile

And thanks Walrus for posting the 3rd part of my story.

Here it is, this is the longest segment so far, it's a doozy.

There were two guards next to the front gate, one on each side. As Clive walked toward them he wondered what the truck driver could have meant by that comment. Would Leonard be so deformed that he couldn’t even talk? And even if he could, Clive was the one who put him in that cursed place. Why would he give Clive the information he needed? Clive had to try.

“Excuse me, sir, what are you doing here?” questioned the guard on the right.

“I am Clive Johnson; I have special permission granted by der Fuhrer himself to enter this camp.”

“Hmm, let me see.”

The guard pulled out a clipboard with a piece of paper attached to it.

“Ah, I see you, alright you can go in.”

After a while, Clive finally found the experimentation room. When he walked in there were several cells of naked distorted mutants. Most of which had various tumors or extra body parts. The worst ones Clive saw were two men sown together by the bottom of their feet, a woman with an eyeball in her vagina, and a man with a dick growing out of his mouth. What the hell is going on here? Clive wondered. None of these are even practical, they’re just fucking sick. Even though these people deserve the torture, there’s no need to spend the money on these methods. Luckily, when Clive finally reached Leonard’s cell he was completely normal.

“WOAH, Clive? What’re you doin’ here?”

“I need to ask you a few questions Leonard.”

“Ok, go ahead.”

“Hmm? You don’t seem angry that I put you in this hellhole.”

“It’s wonderful in here!”

“Have you even seen the other people in this place? Aren’t you going to end up like them?”

“Clive, I’m going to be part of the best mutant here. You see, I will be forced to eat shit and to shit in someone else’s mouth!”

“What?! Hold on, I thought you were constipated.”

“It’s called the Human Centipede, and I’ll be in the middle! Isn’t that great! Only about 20 minutes now! Oh um, well I said that just to get you to come with me. I don’t have many friends, in fact I have none.”
Only 20 minutes? I need to get all the information out of him quick.

“Leonard, there’s something very important I need to know, just one thing.”

“Ok, shoot.”

“Who were those men that were trying to bust into your house right before we left?”

“Oh, um, well it’s a bit complex…”

“Tell me, damnit.”

“Ok ok. I stole it from the Babylonian Brotherhood.”

“What the fuck is that.”

“You’ve never heard of the Babylonian Brotherhood? It’s a secret group of reptilian humanoids that hide under the surface of the Earth.”

“Leonard, don’t tell me you really think I’m that stupid.”

“I’m serious! They have been in Earth for tens of thousands of years. I tried to prove their existence and I realized that there’s no way they could have been taking a shit under the earth this whole time because the smell would get far too noxious in their crowded caves. I theorized that they must have been coming on the surface this entire time in very remote areas and late at night to poop. I went deep into unexplored parts of the world…”

“Who the hell funded that?”

“Goddamnit let me finish Clive.”

“Fine.”

“Anyways, after about a month of traveling I got to the Amazon jungle, which was where I finally found what I was looking for. After trekking the Amazon for a couple of hours, I found a brown lump. It looked, smelled, felt, and tasted like no other piece of crap I have ever found. It was shaped like two spheres about 2 inches in diameter connected together by a 2 inch long, 1 inch wide cylinder. It smelled like a new car, felt like rotting wood, and tasted like rum. I was able to judge that the excrement was only about 1 minute and 46 seconds old. I noticed a narrow hole about ten feet away so I quickly tied a rope to a rock next to it and quickly climbed down. After an agonizing 2 minutes of being squished I reached a long, wide, bright cavern. It was lit up by electrical lights on the top of the cave! So I slowly lowered myself down. I walked along the cave in the darker areas so that I that I could hide if I saw or heard any reptilians. Shortly enough I came upon a large opening on my right. There was a gigantic room, filled with an abundance unimaginably advanced machines! I also saw two reptilians talking to each other in Sumerian. I of course am one of the few scholars in the entire world who can understand Sumerian so I hid behind a machine to eavesdrop. I couldn’t help but try to see what they looked like in detail though so I took a few peeks. They were 10 ft tall, light green, iguana looking things, with long, narrow snouts. Anyways, they were talking about the machine they were standing next to, the Time Machine. They said they would need to use it soon, when they had more information or something, even though it was so primitive. Can you believe that Clive?! Imagine what their other technology was like! That was about it though, so they left. Luckily on top of the time machine I saw a little pamphlet type of thing written in Sumerian cuneiform. I skimmed over it really quick; it was about how to join some elite agency. It had some of the history and shit too. I put it in my pocket to look at later; I was far too amazed by the Time Machine. I went inside the Time Machine to figure out how it looked. It was fairly straightforward, you type in the longitude and latitude of where you wanted to go, or the address, and you typed in the date of when you wanted to go. I wanted to check out some of the other technology, but I heard more lizards coming. I thought about getting out of the machine and hiding but they saw me before I had the chance. They ran to me, maybe 20 miles per hour, fast little fuckers, I swear I think they’re better than us in every way, but they were well away, being a big cavern and all, so I had time to type in the details of my apartment location and the date, which I decided to make in the next day so it wouldn’t throw off my sense of time too much. When I suddenly came home, I told my mom it was merely a teleportation device given to me by my funder. Obviously she was still amazed, but I feel like she would have asked a lot more about it if she knew it was a time machine, and she would probably even ask to use it. Exhausted, I went to bed. The next day, I decided to go down to the bar and brag about the machine. That’s where I found you and you know the rest.”

“And the funders name?”

“Oh right, David Icke. I’m tellin’ ya Clive, strangest guy I’ve ever met.”

“And that guy was your sole funder?”

“Well no, he and a few other people, but it’s not like some huge organization, and he wouldn’t tell me who the other people were.”

“Hmm, well, where’s the pamphlet?”

“Left it at home, never looked at it. You know, you could take me with you. This human centipede thing sounds like it’ll be fun for a while, but fame and fortune sound much better.”

“Ugh, I will, just hold on, one more question. I thought the reptilian humanoids wouldn’t come on the surface of the Earth for fear of being seen. So why did they come into the apartment complex to find you?”

“They have the ability to transform into the shape of a human, and you can sometimes tell which humans are actually lizard-people.”

“This is confusing as fuck.”

“Who the hell are you?” said a voice from the end of the hallway.

“Ah, Dr. Heiter, this is my friend Clive,” replied Leonard.

“I see. Go away Clive, I don’t like human beings,” said the doctor.

“You are a human being, dumbass,” mumbled Clive.

“Just shut up and let me perform my experiment. The Human Centipede will forever go down in history as the greatest creation of all time. Any other event in history will be compared to it.”

“That is fucking stupid. You’re just sowing people together. Look, just let this guy go we have things to do.”

“You dare mock me and then try to steal my patient?!”

“Yes, and I’m sure Hitler himself would approve of my decision. Look, I even have this little form.”
Clive handed the form to Dr. Heiter.

“Hmm, ‘I hereby grant Clive Johnson permission to remove Leonard Emmanuel Rection from prison.’ Damnit, fine, I won’t disobey der Fuhrer for now. But I still report to a higher authority.”

“Whatever dude, we don’t give a shit just get Leonard out of this cell.”

Heiter walked over to the cell and opened it.

“Thanks Clive!”

“Shut the fuck up.”

When Clive and Leonard left the building there was a truck waiting for them.

“Get in!” yelled the truck driver, “it’s a long-ass drive!”

Leonard and Clive were mostly silent the entire trip, wondering where the man would take them.

Eventually they ended up at Hitler’s house.

“Ah, hello gentlemen, I’m glad you’re finally here. Clive, I would like you to fulfill your promise by the day after tomorrow. I have rented out a nice hotel for you two, right over there.”

Adolf pointed toward a big fancy building across the street.

“Tomorrow you can relax; you seem to have been through a lot. I hope you have already planned out how you’re going to get me these weapons you speak of.”

When Clive and Leonard got to the hotel, Clive lay down on a couch and thought about how he would get the weapons. Could he just bring back nuclear weapons from his own time? Steal weapons from the Babylonian Brotherhood, which seem to have been advanced for a long time and hence could presumably be taken from any time period? Go into the future to see what weapons were invented by humans by that time? What was the future like? What was the past like? Was the universe created in a Big Bang or was it just poofed here by God? Clive could go into any time period he dreamed of, so many possibilities he couldn’t even think of where to start first. Then he fell asleep.

Last edited by Gottfried B. Oner (2/19/2012 7:51 pm)

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#31 7/27/2011 6:18 am

Gottfried B. Oner
Member
Registered: 10/8/2010
Posts: 57

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

The next morning, Clive woke up to the sound of moaning. He wanted to scream, the horrible sound pierced his ears. The moaning was coming from the bathroom, and he noticed that Leonard was out of bed.

“Leonard, what the hell are you doing in there!?”

“TAKING A FUCKING DUMP! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Phew, I’m done.”

“Fuck, whatever, get out of there we have business to discuss.”

Leonard walked out of the bathroom, the smell of his waste wafting through the hotel room.

“Goddamnit that is awful. Alright, Leonard, so how are we gonna get the weapons Hitler needs.”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Hitler is a pretty bad guy.”

“I don’t care. Did you see any other notable technology in the Babylonian Brotherhood base?”

“There were quite a lot of things, and I couldn’t exactly tell what all of them were.”

Clive stood there brainstorming about the problem. He was thinking about everything Leonard told him about the Babylonian Brotherhood. Finally, an idea came to him.

“Leonard, where’d you say you left the pamphlet again?”

“At my house in my bedroom.”

“Ok, we’ll take the time machine back to your apartment and find the pamphlet, it might have useful information.”

“Okey dokey bud.”

“Don’t ever say that again.”

Clive and Leonard checked out of the hotel and walked over to Hitler’s house. He had one of his officers drive them to the field where they left the Time Machine. Upon arriving Clive and Leonard immediately hopped into the machine and typed in the coordinates and date. There was a flash of light and then they were in Leonard’s apartment. Leonard got out of the time machine and shuffled through his drawers.

“Ok, I found it.”

“Great, read it to me.”

“Welcome to the Bablylonian Brotherhood Elite Military Agency! This pamphlet will outline a brief history of the Agency, describe your mission as an agent, and outline the technology and weapons you will use during your career.

“History: The Babylonian Brotherhood Elite Military Agency was founded in 5,163 B.C. by Garon the Great. When Garon became emperor of Babylonia, he decided that there needed to be a special branch of the military dealing with extra-advanced technology and that would use it to alter the course of human history. Garon first ordered that a Time Machine be created. This was the birth of the TM1 model, which is now outdated and has since been replaced with more advanced time machines.”

Clive and Leonard looked at the Time Machine to see which model this was. There was a small TM1 on the side of it.

“Well that’s why they said it was primitive I guess,” Leonard said.

“Alright, back to the paper.

“Mission: To manipulate Human culture to make humans more easily controlled, until we can use them as our slaves with little or no resistance.

“Technology: This is a list of some notable technology the Agency possesses.

“Time Machine: Can teleport through time and space by entering special coordinates and date.”

“Goddamnit Leonard, just skip to anything you think might be important,” Clive commanded.

“Alright alright, give me a second.”

Leonard scanned the paper for a few seconds.

“Ah, here’s something that might work. It’s a device that can spread a gas over large areas that targets a specific DNA code and kills whoever has it. We could use it to target the DNA of certain races.”

“Leonard that is probably the best idea you’ve ever had.”

“Thanks Clive!”

“Shut the fuck up and get in the machine, we’re goin’ to the Amazon.”

To be Continued, and it'll be soon not like a month again.

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#32 7/27/2011 6:36 am

KlassikKiller
Banned
From: Same Place I was as Wolfman776
Registered: 7/16/2011
Posts: 1392
Website

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

It better be.


Old Me:                                                                                                    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5f/Kolm%C3%A5rden_Wolf.jpg/220px-Kolm%C3%A5rden_Wolf.jpg
New Me:
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I'm Not Wolfman Anymore So Please Do Not Call Me That, Thank You. RED!

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#33 7/27/2011 9:59 am

Shrub
Moderator
From: Minneapolis, Minnesota
Registered: 5/14/2009
Posts: 9155

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you Gotfried.


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#34 7/27/2011 11:10 am

CViper
Member
From: Salford, Greater Manchester
Registered: 8/8/2009
Posts: 8039

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Aye, tears of boredom.


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Be Alert! Britain Needs Lerts!!

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#35 7/27/2011 11:18 am

Jordan.x
Member
Registered: 10/2/2010
Posts: 1590

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

I'm starting to like these stories.


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#36 8/1/2011 7:23 pm

Cyberqwert
Member
From: Maine
Registered: 6/18/2008
Posts: 1343
Website

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

CViper wrote:

tl;dr

tl;dr


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#37 8/1/2011 9:03 pm

Slicknife
Member
Registered: 7/10/2010
Posts: 6608

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

These stories suck no offense.

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#38 1/8/2012 10:51 am

Walrus King
Member
From: Tennessee
Registered: 12/2/2009
Posts: 4570

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

After arriving in the Amazon, Leonard led Clive to the Babylonian Brotherhood base. Leonard went down the hole first, so that he could lead the way to the BB’s technology. Once they got down there they pulled out the pistols they got from Leonard’s house.

They slowly traversed the cave, stopping in the shadows whenever they thought they heard footsteps. After a while they found the technology room, but they heard some very odd noises. It was a repetitive breathing sound. They slowly crept into the room and hid behind a large machine. Peeking from behind the machine Clive witnessed something truly horrific.

“Ah shit, are you serious?” said Clive. Two lizard-people were performing anal sex. Clive looked towards Leonard, who was holding a video camera and had an erection. “Leonard, why are you so fucked up?” Leonard ignored the question though and eventually the two lizards parted ways. Clive and Leonard then found the machine. It was a grey box, about a cubic foot in size. On one side was a keyboard and screen, for typing out the genetic code you wanted to target, and on the opposite side was a two foot long tube for pumping out the gas. On top of the box was a funnel with a lid on it, for putting in the initial chemical mixture to create the gas. Leonard grabbed the box and they quickly but quietly left the cave.

“Alright Clive, there’s something I forgot to mention earlier that I think it’s necessary to point out now.”

“Ok, go ahead.”

“David Icke told me that he wanted me to find him once I got the Time Machine. I didn’t think about it earlier because, well, I’m not really in a rush being able to control time and all. But I think we might as well go now to get it over with. Plus he might be able to help us commit mass genocide.”

“How do we find him?”

“He told me the place and time to find him. I’ll go type it in right now.”

They both got in the machine, Leonard typed in “9382 Willow Drive New York City, New York 11:03 p.m. November 12 1968” and they headed off into the unknown.

The machine took them to the ghetto in front of a shed at the back of dark alleyway.

“This is fuckin’ suspicious Leonard. What is such a rich asshole doing in this part of town?”

“I don’t know Clive, I guess he doesn’t want the Babylonian Brotherhood to know where he is.”

“Eh, I guess so.”

Clive then went up to the door, which had an intercom attached to it. He pressed the intercom.

“Who is it?” questioned a high-pitched childish voice.

“Clive Johnson, I’m with Leonard Rection.”

“Oh REALLY?”

“Yes, really.”

“Well, if you’re with Leonard, then he should be with you, correct?”

“Umm, yeah.”

“Then this all begs the question, why isn’t HE talking into the intercom, does it not? Perhaps at this very moment, he is NOT with you, or perhaps you are keeping him as a hostage because you’re a disgusting nipple-twister? Perhaps you’re even twisting his nipples at this very moment?”

“Leonard, just give this dipshit the password.”

“Nipple-Twisting,” Leonard replied.

“Of course,” mumbled Clive.

They then heard the door unlock, with a child standing there who looked to be around 12 years old.

“Move out of our way kid before I kick your nuts,” growled Clive as he shoved the kid away and walked into the shed. There was another man standing there smoking a cigar, who was probably in his early twenties.

“Sorry about Mel, guys. He’s new to our society and he’s a bit of an annoying bitch,” the man said.

“I noticed,” replied Clive.

“Indeed, indeed,” continued the man. “Quite a silly boy really, he believes that all Jews are Babylonian Brotherhood members in disguise and that their influence is the primary weapon of the BB. Any reasonable person would realize that Global Warming is their weapon of destruction. But I digress, since it seems I’ve neglected to introduce myself. My name is Albert Gore, and I am an apprentice in this society. Mel Gibson is just starting to learn the ropes. The building you have just now entered is the base of The League of Extraordinarily Strange Gentlemen.”

“Tiny base isn’t it?”

“Oh Clive, how naive of you to think this was all there is.”

Gore then walked over to a table in the corner and crawled under it. After he pressed a couple of buttons a hole opened up in the ground, which an elevator came up out of.

“Come with me. David Icke had big plans for Leonard, big plans indeed. Although I’m sure he can fit you in too Clive. He’s a powerful man, and if you help him out he can easily help you out with whatever you need.”

To be Continued

Last edited by Walrus King (1/8/2012 10:54 am)


http://i55.tinypic.com/1zd14w3.jpg  http://i56.tinypic.com/24niult.jpg http://i56.tinypic.com/219xag6.jpg
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#39 1/8/2012 6:50 pm

shaft711
Member
From: Massachusetts
Registered: 5/17/2011
Posts: 2264

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

This would make a good graphic novel series.


Now is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?

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#40 1/10/2012 1:11 am

Walrus King
Member
From: Tennessee
Registered: 12/2/2009
Posts: 4570

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Yeah it would. Someone start making this series come to life!


http://i55.tinypic.com/1zd14w3.jpg  http://i56.tinypic.com/24niult.jpg http://i56.tinypic.com/219xag6.jpg
http://i54.tinypic.com/4qle8g.jpg

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#41 1/10/2012 1:15 am

Walrus King
Member
From: Tennessee
Registered: 12/2/2009
Posts: 4570

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

I bet Vinnie would be able to make this into a comic.


http://i55.tinypic.com/1zd14w3.jpg  http://i56.tinypic.com/24niult.jpg http://i56.tinypic.com/219xag6.jpg
http://i54.tinypic.com/4qle8g.jpg

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#42 1/10/2012 1:22 am

Slicknife
Member
Registered: 7/10/2010
Posts: 6608

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

I don't think it's worth his time or anyone's time.

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#43 1/10/2012 2:17 am

Shrub
Moderator
From: Minneapolis, Minnesota
Registered: 5/14/2009
Posts: 9155

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Walrus King wrote:

I bet Vinnie would be able to make this into a comic.

I don't think so, there aren't enough lightning bolts.

I have no idea why, but I genuinely enjoy these. I guess it's just the immature 13 year old inside me.


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#44 1/10/2012 2:20 am

Reaganrocks
Member
Registered: 12/23/2010
Posts: 3863

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

The story isn't that great, although it was better than mine.


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#45 1/10/2012 2:21 am

Slicknife
Member
Registered: 7/10/2010
Posts: 6608

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Reaganrocks wrote:

although it was better than mine.

They were so bad you should probably finish them.

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#46 1/10/2012 2:24 am

Shrub
Moderator
From: Minneapolis, Minnesota
Registered: 5/14/2009
Posts: 9155

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Slicknife wrote:

They were so bad you should probably finish them.

Makes sense to me.


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#47 1/10/2012 2:57 am

shaft711
Member
From: Massachusetts
Registered: 5/17/2011
Posts: 2264

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Shrub wrote:

Walrus King wrote:

I bet Vinnie would be able to make this into a comic.

I don't think so, there aren't enough lightning bolts.

I have no idea why, but I genuinely enjoy these. I guess it's just the immature 13 year old inside me.

It's so blatantly bad that it's good.


Now is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?

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#48 1/10/2012 8:07 pm

Reaganrocks
Member
Registered: 12/23/2010
Posts: 3863

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Slicknife wrote:

Reaganrocks wrote:

although it was better than mine.

They were so bad you should probably finish them.

Reminds me of Klassik and how bad he wanted me to finish it.


http://i45.tinypic.com/295tzeu.png

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#49 2/12/2012 10:51 am

Slicknife
Member
Registered: 7/10/2010
Posts: 6608

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

Reaganrocks wrote:

Slicknife wrote:

Reaganrocks wrote:

although it was better than mine.

They were so bad you should probably finish them.

Reminds me of Klassik and how bad he wanted me to finish it.

in his anus

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#50 2/12/2012 4:13 pm

shadowalex5
Member
From: Louisville
Registered: 8/26/2008
Posts: 3204
Website

Re: The Time-Traveling Racist

My story is better! :3


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