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#26 9/20/2012 9:23 pm

Reaganrocks
Member
Registered: 12/23/2010
Posts: 3863

Re: My books

One noticeable mistake is where you skipped time. Instead of heading "3 days later," why not separate the text below and create a new chapter? Or you could group it with the next paragraph.

Other than that, it has a good storyline, but I don't see much characterization or many literary devices in use.


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#27 9/20/2012 9:27 pm

NickRuf7
Member
From: A place somewhere
Registered: 8/7/2012
Posts: 111

Re: My books

Thats the prolouge thats about 1/900 of the characters
and it cant be another chapter because the main stroyline focuses on charlie as an adult


One who fights dragons too long will become a dragon himself, and if you gaze to long into the abyss the abyss will gaze into you.

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#28 9/20/2012 9:28 pm

NickRuf7
Member
From: A place somewhere
Registered: 8/7/2012
Posts: 111

Re: My books

oh and can you tell people about it it helps when the story is known before it is out in stores or even published for that matter


One who fights dragons too long will become a dragon himself, and if you gaze to long into the abyss the abyss will gaze into you.

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#29 9/20/2012 10:01 pm

God.Of.Green
Member
From: PA
Registered: 8/2/2010
Posts: 3974
Website

Re: My books

Thanks for posting them, i'll read through it tonight when I have the time.


http://gyazo.com/19f7908ead03a2054c1f4acad04010b4.png?1338784313http://gyazo.com/3352f4e60488a90d343f9513146ac296.png

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#30 9/20/2012 10:13 pm

NickRuf7
Member
From: A place somewhere
Registered: 8/7/2012
Posts: 111

Re: My books

thanks dude and like i said could you spread the word

Last edited by NickRuf7 (9/20/2012 10:13 pm)


One who fights dragons too long will become a dragon himself, and if you gaze to long into the abyss the abyss will gaze into you.

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#31 9/20/2012 10:16 pm

Twinfan
Member
From: Gotham
Registered: 11/17/2008
Posts: 6241

Re: My books

NickRuf7 wrote:

thanks dude and like i said could you spread the word

Would you mind if it I showed it to my literature professors? I of course will give you all the credit.


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I am no longer an active member of Twboards, but if you need--or want--to talk to me, I have left the option of sending an email available. If you abuse it or spam me or something, I will A) Promptly remove the email option, and B) Hunt you to the ends of the Earth. Choose wisely and I wish you all the best of luck...

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#32 9/20/2012 10:17 pm

NickRuf7
Member
From: A place somewhere
Registered: 8/7/2012
Posts: 111

Re: My books

as long as you dont take credit and as long as your literary professers are real teachers
Im not done yet or even close to being done

Last edited by NickRuf7 (9/20/2012 10:18 pm)


One who fights dragons too long will become a dragon himself, and if you gaze to long into the abyss the abyss will gaze into you.

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#33 9/20/2012 11:17 pm

CViper
Member
From: Salford, Greater Manchester
Registered: 8/8/2009
Posts: 8039

Re: My books

Learn to type properly and then tell me that you're writing a book. I'm quite sceptical about your writing abilities.


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Be Alert! Britain Needs Lerts!!

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#34 9/21/2012 12:16 am

Slicknife
Member
Registered: 7/10/2010
Posts: 6605

Re: My books

I could write better stories than that nick.

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#35 9/21/2012 12:25 am

thebigdonginthesky
Member
Registered: 4/6/2010
Posts: 2033

Re: My books

thebigdonginthesky wrote:

it dosent look profesional


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#36 9/21/2012 1:00 am

shadowalex5
Member
From: Louisville
Registered: 8/26/2008
Posts: 3202
Website

Re: My books

thebigdonginthesky wrote:

thebigdonginthesky wrote:

it dosent look profesional

fuck you


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#37 9/21/2012 1:13 am

thebigdonginthesky
Member
Registered: 4/6/2010
Posts: 2033

Re: My books

nice one alex


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#38 9/21/2012 1:16 am

shadowalex5
Member
From: Louisville
Registered: 8/26/2008
Posts: 3202
Website

Re: My books

thebigdonginthesky wrote:

nice one alex

nice one bigdoofus


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#39 9/21/2012 1:19 am

thebigdonginthesky
Member
Registered: 4/6/2010
Posts: 2033

Re: My books

yeah i guess so


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#40 9/21/2012 2:25 am

ralphralpha
Member
From: The Twilight Zone
Registered: 9/9/2012
Posts: 20

Re: My books

Due to either the format of your typing or the auto-format the forum applies, it was extremely hard for me to read and comprehend what was going on. That being said, I just sort of skimmed, but I noticed a few things that you could try fixing.

First of all, you described the "large black man" about 3 different times pointing out his blackness, and then pounded it even harder by naming the character Blackwood. It seemed a little redundant.

Secondly when you're switching dialogue, please do so in the proper format. The paragraphing was weird, and most of the time you had sentence fragments after someone spoke because you used a period instead of a comma. Taken from http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/pu … -dialogue/ :

"    Direct: “She was a bore,” he said.

    Indirect: He said [that] she was a bore. "

Make sure you keep your tenses correct, your story in proper order, and try not to skip around from idea to idea. Once you write something, try to go back and organize it.

I'm not completely sure of your age or the reading/writing comprehension you posses, so I can't really say how well or not so well you write, but what I do know is that I admire your perseverance and passion for wanting to write; especially in a genre so dear to my heart.  Keep in mind also that I am by no means a professional writer, or even a casual writer. I was just giving my 2 cents.

You might want to take a break from your story, read a few dystopian books, and then come back and judge your story again once you mature a little as a reader. If you haven't already, check out Fahrenheit 451. It isn't as good as 1984, but it's a nice quick read with a good story. Oh, and if you haven't read Orwell's Animal Farm, do so.

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#41 9/21/2012 10:46 am

NickRuf7
Member
From: A place somewhere
Registered: 8/7/2012
Posts: 111

Re: My books

I loved animal farm and even a 3rd grader could tell that Blackwood is another person alogether. How can you stand in front of yourself? I couldnt paragraph it on this if i could do you think it would look like that? Ill take what you said about the android being a tall black man, but it sounds like you just grazed the first two pages
oh and bigdonginthesky it dosent look proffesional because when iposted it on twboards.com it deleted all my tabs

Last edited by NickRuf7 (9/21/2012 10:48 am)


One who fights dragons too long will become a dragon himself, and if you gaze to long into the abyss the abyss will gaze into you.

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#42 9/21/2012 10:49 am

NickRuf7
Member
From: A place somewhere
Registered: 8/7/2012
Posts: 111

Re: My books

this is for everyone
LISTEN THAT WAS ONLY ABOUT 3/4 OF THE PROLOUGE NOT THE ENTIRE STORY


One who fights dragons too long will become a dragon himself, and if you gaze to long into the abyss the abyss will gaze into you.

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#43 9/21/2012 8:22 pm

God.Of.Green
Member
From: PA
Registered: 8/2/2010
Posts: 3974
Website

Re: My books

Animal farm is good.


http://gyazo.com/19f7908ead03a2054c1f4acad04010b4.png?1338784313http://gyazo.com/3352f4e60488a90d343f9513146ac296.png

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#44 9/21/2012 8:31 pm

NickRuf7
Member
From: A place somewhere
Registered: 8/7/2012
Posts: 111

Re: My books

Animal farm is awesome


One who fights dragons too long will become a dragon himself, and if you gaze to long into the abyss the abyss will gaze into you.

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#45 9/21/2012 8:38 pm

thebigdonginthesky
Member
Registered: 4/6/2010
Posts: 2033

Re: My books

NickRuf7 wrote:

I loved animal farm and even a 3rd grader could tell that Blackwood is another person alogether. How can you stand in front of yourself? I couldnt paragraph it on this if i could do you think it would look like that? Ill take what you said about the android being a tall black man, but it sounds like you just grazed the first two pages
oh and bigdonginthesky it dosent look proffesional because when iposted it on twboards.com it deleted all my tabs

you should shoot yourself in the face


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#46 9/21/2012 8:57 pm

NickRuf7
Member
From: A place somewhere
Registered: 8/7/2012
Posts: 111

Re: My books

If your goin to discriminate my posts ill report you.


One who fights dragons too long will become a dragon himself, and if you gaze to long into the abyss the abyss will gaze into you.

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#47 9/21/2012 9:02 pm

shaft711
Member
From: Massachusetts
Registered: 5/17/2011
Posts: 2264

Re: My books

NickRuf7 wrote:

I loved animal farm and even a 3rd grader could tell that Blackwood is another person alogether. How can you stand in front of yourself? I couldnt paragraph it on this if i could do you think it would look like that? Ill take what you said about the android being a tall black man, but it sounds like you just grazed the first two pages
oh and bigdonginthesky it dosent look proffesional because when iposted it on twboards.com it deleted all my tabs

You took what was probably the only serious constructive criticism you've received and pretty much completely ignored it.  You aren't a terrible writer for being 11/12 years old, but if you're any older than that you should probably spend more time working on your craft.


Now is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?

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#48 9/21/2012 9:08 pm

NickRuf7
Member
From: A place somewhere
Registered: 8/7/2012
Posts: 111

Re: My books

shaft you live in massachusets do you know a connor darcy? and that was only the first 1/50th of the story so its abviously not gonna get any awards


One who fights dragons too long will become a dragon himself, and if you gaze to long into the abyss the abyss will gaze into you.

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#49 9/21/2012 9:15 pm

Reaganrocks
Member
Registered: 12/23/2010
Posts: 3863

Re: My books

shaft711 wrote:

You took what was probably the only serious constructive criticism you've received and pretty much completely ignored it.  You aren't a terrible writer for being 11/12 years old, but if you're any older than that you should probably spend more time working on your craft.

I gave him some serious criticism.


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#50 9/21/2012 10:15 pm

shadowalex5
Member
From: Louisville
Registered: 8/26/2008
Posts: 3202
Website

Re: My books

NickRuf7 wrote:

If your goin to discriminate my posts ill report you.

watch out. he's going to call the forum police.


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